| Testing this im client + my day. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|11:47 pm] |
Jeez. Today has been okay, I guess. Nothing really notable, except for the fact I'm almost through with this girl situation. A resolution is coming fast, and I'm very relieved. This just teaches me to not get attached before I really..really know them. And it really is my fault for this. But I am not drinking as much as I did over the weekend. Thats for sure. I was drinking Melo Yello this morning, and damn. I still tasted Vodka. I guess I really did try to drown my sorrows. I think I was choking though, personally.
Other than that, I visited my grandmother, and I took a nap there..and I went home. Thats it for today. OH OH OH OH OH YEAH. Amber + boyfriend = broke up. Now its Amber/Boyfriend + X(2 guys)=new boyfriend. So, thats where we're at. |
|
|
| And I've been drinking again.. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|11:39 pm] |
I'm not that shitfaced, so I can actually type. if I typo, I apologize.
I just wanna cry like a stupid bitch again. Just let it all out and so I can just go on with my life. I don't wanna bottle anything up anymore. I wanna get it out and go on. god dammit I'm semi-crying right now. I just want this over with.
I tried calling amber. She promised to call me on break, which she didn't. I guess she hates me too. I've got nothing left. Why can't I move on? I want to move on so bad. I just wish I had someone to hold me sometimes. I don't like admitting it and I would never admit it. I just feel numb at the moment. I don't know what else to say besides, I want to move on. I just wish I would fucking cry and get it over with. I'm trying to hold back tears I should have shed years ago, but I guess I'm not drunk enough to do it. I want to just end it, but I have work tomorrow. I can't come in with a hangover. Well, the tears finally hit my cheek, and I think I'm ready to cry my eyes out in bed. Have a good night. |
|
|
| So..I hit the bottle.. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|06:58 pm] |
About 12:30, I started drinking last night. I didn't stop until half the bottle of vodka was gone. I was so drunk. I kept talking and talking..and I told a bunch of stuff that I'd normally keep bottled in. I was an honest person too. About after two hours of this, though, I started tearing up, and from what I remember typing in a certian mIRC channel..
( @Moonlight^Knight ) All right
( @Moonlight^Knight ) time to get drunk
( @Moonlight^Knight ) omfg/
( @Moonlight^Knight ) one drink and I'm already feeling...wow
( @Moonlight^Knight ) holy sbit
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I'm really dunk
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I am officially drunks
( @Moonlight^Knight ) ...
**later**
( +Lucas` ) MK, how much of the bottle have you drank so far
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I'm fucking dfrunk'
( +Lucas` ) I asked you how much of the bottle is gone
( +Lucas` ) say: half, 3/4, 1/4, or all gone
( @Moonlight^Knight ) 1/4
( +Lucas` ) Ok
( +Lucas` ) You been drinking it straight?
( @Moonlight^Knight ) nope
( @Moonlight^Knight ) mt. dew
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I feel like I'm gonna puke
( +Lucas` ) =/
( @Moonlight^Knight ) but damn]
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I'm surprised I'm typing right]
( @Moonlight^Knight ) the screen is all fidgety
**later**
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I'm feeling really sick
( @Moonlight^Knight ) but I don't wanna puke
( @Moonlight^Knight ) besides
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I don't think I can make it to the bathroom
( Lucas- ) lmao, don't puke on Scotty
( Lucas- ) You been drinking more?
( Lucas- ) Or did you stop?
( Lucas- ) hmm
( Lucas- ) I wonder if MK passed out or went to puke
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I puked in the bathroom
( @Moonlight^Knight ) but I still feel lousy
( @Moonlight^Knight ) I'm crying
( @Moonlight^Knight ) like a stupid bitchf
****************************************************
Yeah. That sums up last night. I know why I teared up and cried and stuff. I remember laying in bed, talking to myself, "She should like me. I'm a nice guy. I never do anything bad to anyone. I really try to be a good guy." I kept talking to myself until I passed out. So..thats pretty much it. |
|
|
| Blaaaaah. |
[Jul. 21st, 2007|08:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Jeez. Work was okay today, but it was great about 1.
A worried grandmother came in, and her small grandchild would not get out from the playland. He was crying and stuff. Well, I decided to go up there in the playland and get him. I heard him crying as soon as I got to the top of the tunnel. I went to him, and said, "We're gonna see mammaw, okay?" He was no older than 2 or 3, he nodded, "okay".
He just wanted me to hold him. He wouldn't let go of my collar. Ack. Well, finally after holding him and crawling to the slide, I told him, "We're gonna have fun, okay?" He said, "Okay!" We slid town the slide, I even said, "Weeeeee" with him. The woman thanked me for getting her grand child, and as soon as I walked in, I was complicated by customers, "You're so nice, young man. You're great." It definitely boosted my day. I was a hero to someone. That makes me feel good. Kind of made me think how my criminal justice career could possibly turn out. Helping people out. That felt great.
As the day progressed though, I thought about my situation last night with the girl. So, I convinced my manager (haha) to buy me a bottle of vodka. I am so getting fucked up tonight. I dun care. I am getting fked up. I will hit the bottle.
Anyway, dealing with the girl. Chris's dad told me, "Hey! Why are you complaining? This is friends with benefits here. You can get whatever you want from her. Its great!" In my mind though, Could I really do that with someone like its supposed to be casual? Hm...
So now that ponders in my mind. As I poison my mind tonight, I'll probably tear up or something, but damn. I need this. I need this night to get drunk. Nothing like a sad man on vodka.
Thats it for me today. |
|
|
| Hm. Well. |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|11:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Well. Things are definitely interesting, to say the least. I really need and will cut connections off with that girl. I just can't believe it. Her mother, family even want me to go for it. But I know a side of her which no one else knows unless I tell.
I went to where she worked, and I was going to drop off a note, which kind of described what feelings I had for her. Well, it was all fine and dandy, until I turn around and notice someone else who is ALSO waiting on her. No big deal, right? Everyone needs friends. Hah. Just wait until I explain it. Well, her father comes and picks her up, me and the guy decide to follow her to a fast food joint for some food. Well, that was fine and dandy. I asked her father if I could take her out, which he said was fine SINCE I'm good with the family. But as for my sixth sense of people, something didn't smell right.
Something reeked of hidden feelings and emotions that were never said. I decided to break this. I had to take the guy back to his truck somewhere else. I finally asked him, "So, you're friends with her, but you like her, don't you?" Something just told me so. And I was right, he does like her. And I asked him what he's done with her. And yet again, I was right. They've probably done more than I have with this girl. Right then, I knew. I knew this was bullshit and I don't need it. I'm already some kind of emotional trainwreck, and I just wanted someone to love, hold, and cherish. Yeah, I want a long term. Because A mature relationship is what I want. And after finding all this out...
I can't deal with that. I have to cut all connections. I HAVE TO. Deep inside, I know there was possible feelings for this girl. I feel bad for her current situation and family problems, but if this is how its going to be, then I'm done with it. I'm sure there's someone out there, but I won't fight like a damn dog for something in vein. I REFUSE TO. I've wasted over two weeks of my time on this girl. Thinking about her, remembering how she tasted..the fragrance of her hair. Everything. And now after this, I feel empty on the inside. And now again, I think to myself, How could someone play a game with someone's feelings like this? Its inhuman. ITS CRUEL. But again, who said the world wasn't cruel.
So, here I am. Empty on the inside. Heartless feeling, almost. And...I just don't know the outcome. I don't know how its going to work out. I hope I have some divine intervention or something. |
|
|
| So..I'm officially divided. |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|07:52 pm] |
After recent events, I've came to a simple conclusion. Who am I?
Part of me wants to return to the Dark Knight phase I went through. Grow my hair back long, shave the stashe, and start wearing my black coat again and be in my world.
Another part of me..likes the way I am. Stashe, spiked hair, and that kind of stuff.
I'm really torn in between. I feel like I should return to the roots of who I really was/am, but yet..I don't know. Its quite complicated. I have yet to figure out this predicament. I wouldn't know how to merge the two together.
Part of me wants to be that dark, cold feeling self. The other side, wants to be loved, love someone and just live a light happily ever after.
So..how would I merge? I don't know. |
|
|
| Well, thats done with. |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|04:34 pm] |
After all my emotional suffering and such, its came to a close, thank god. I asked her flat out, who do you truly have love for? She answered her boyfriend. I wasn't hurt at all, (Okay, maybe a lot of hurt) but I'm happy its over with. She said that she wanted to be "Friends with benefits" though. You know what, I actually don't care. Sure, why not. I can't be anymore souless than what I am now.
I wish my mother would butt out of this situation. Shes like, "YOU BETTER GET THAT RING BACK AND..." sheesh.I just don't care anymore. if I get shot or something today, it just wouldn't matter. And its going to be like that. |
|
|
| Second Entry. |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|05:39 pm] |
|
Aaaaahh, pfft. Let her do whatever. But this marks the last time. |
|
|
| Well. True. |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:03 pm] |
As for finding love, I guess its true. But, after several personal experiences with this girl, if indeed it does not work out, I don't plan on doing anything with anyone else. Sounds stupid, I know, but its my only resolution. Here's the incredibly stupid part.
I still remember like..everything about her. I can't imagine duplicating these situations with some other girl. Like..when we were holding each other, she'd purr into my ear. I couldn't purr, so I just blew a raspberry on her cheek, and she giggled so much. When I remember back about all this, I get a chill. I think to myself, How can someone do these things if they're not attracted to each other? It just seems like too much of a sin if they're not.
So I don't know. But if it does not work out. I'll do as everyone recommends. I'll quit looking. And its a fair deal, actually. |
|
|
| Maybe I haven't changed in two years. |
[Jul. 13th, 2007|04:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Pain" - Three Days Grace | ] |
Yeah, I don't think I've grown up or matured as much as I thought in two years. Especially when it comes to emotions. I met someone a few months ago, and we finally went out the other day. It was great. It was like the rest of the world didn't matter to me. I liked it. At near end of the date, we were cuddling, nuzzling noses, stuff like that. I never wanted it to end. I never, wanted it to end. I really, never, wanted it to end. But something deep down inside of me says, "This won't work out." I hate that voice. I want this to work out. She is dating someone else, but I don't think he treats her as good as I did on just one time I've went out with her.
I guess I'm just a horrible person. But...
I. Never wanted it to end. Never. Can I go back? I really want to go back. I really want to feel loved. In a way, I wish the Grand Am accident I had did finish me off. |
|
|
| My forgotten home away from home... |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|11:03 pm] |
Yes, yes. I'm here, and I'm home. I can't believe its been so long since I've been on LiveJournal. I read my previous entries..and I must say, I was one emotional trainwreck, thats for sure.
I do have to thank three people; Char, Jerec, and Sosi for commenting and listening to me back then. I think I would have just bitch slapped myself, personally. This posting place will be my journal, and my personal thoughts and feelings. I'll be adding in a second entry. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|05:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Celldweller - Fadeaway | ] |
I don't see how women shop all day long, its..well..boring. I bought..
Black Tie
Black Dress Pants
Black Dress Shirt
Foot sole thing, boots were getting bad
new shoes
Two pair of shorts
socks
And for a grand total of... $92?!
Jeez. I have to go back to town later to buy some hair spray. The spray doesn't leave your hair stiff and stuff, which I think is pretty nifty. So I'm gonna go back and get that..but for now, I'm gonna relax. Today tired me out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2005|09:44 pm] |
Hm, it seems I'm feeling much better, with a more..new, sort of cold attitude. It was the only way I could be without being 'hurt' again. See, I used to have a certian characteristic, or feeling that I carried as a trait. Well, I don't carry it anymore, but how did I quit so cold on it? I didn't. I use my writing to supress that feeling, and whenever I might feel that..certian feeling, I write with my story, Silver Precinct. I write for myself, and if I didn't..it wouldn't be good writing.
Thats it for now. |
|
|
| Me? Drama? Damn! |
[May. 31st, 2005|06:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Celldweller - I believe you | ] |
It seems I'm falling again. For about two days now, I've gotten 2-3 hours of sleep. Its because I'm mentally..more of emotionally unstable. I know why I'm like this, and I'm not gonna say. I always thought I was over it, and I was a tough guy. It seems I'm still imperfect, and I'm still trying. I remember back last year when I was super..depressed. I'm not going to bitch and complain; no one wants to hear that, and I'm not going to. I'll find a way to get over this, but for now, I'm vulnerable. Mostly anyone could be nice to me, and screw me over, (Girls over guys) and I'm not going to let that happen. I've got to start being tough sometime..and I need to start. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2005|07:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Waiting for you, Usagi. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Final Fantasy X - Challenge | ] |
|
|
|
| The weekend edition |
[May. 15th, 2005|08:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Yasunori Mitsuda (Chrono Trigger) - Undersea Palace | ] |
Lets start from Saturday.
SATURDAY:
I woke up about 9:30 AM, well, my father woke me up. We had to cut down a dead tree in front of my grandmother's apartment. We go over there, and she fed us a great breakfast of eggs, toast, bacon, and orange juice. After that, we cut down the tree. We had a little trouble starting the chainsaw, but then we got it going. Well, after that..I came home, and waited on Usagi. "<3" But it seemed I got a phone call from a girl named Stephanie. She's a nice girl, of course. She invited me to go to church with her. Of course, being me, I wasn't sure if I should go or not. But being respectful, I decide to go.
SUNDAY:
Well, I get up, and get dressed. About 9:30 AM, Stephanie comes and picks me up. We go to the church. The nice part was, I knew a lot of people there. It was really nice. My third and fourth grade teacher was there, along with my Contemporary Issues teacher. There was also about four people from my school I knew. I always got along with all of them, so it was a good time in church. Even the preacher was someone I knew from my school. I liked his way of bringing the lesson. He gave people interaction, which kept me awake longer, to say the least.
After church, Stephanie takes me out to eat at the Baileyton Resturant, (Nice little country resturant) and the food was really good. Stephanie and I talked for a good while. Going against my traditional side though, she paid for the food. I can imagine Usagi laughing at me now =D. Well, she dropped me off, and I went home, and to bed. About two hours later, Stephanie calls, and wakes me up. I never get to sleep because someone ALWAYS calls. Not that its bad, but I'd like to get some sleep once in a while. She tells me how she got back from Greeneville, and she was thinking about me. I was sort of , "Eh?" But then she drops the bomb. I hate it when my life becomes some drama episode. She tells me she likes me, and wants to date me. I didn't want to date her, so I just told her..in a polite way. Usually I'm like, "No. I don't think we should date" But I let her off easy. She seemed to understand, and thank goodness she did.
Usagi was on, and I talked to her for a few minutes. She was feeling iffy, so I decided that we would both sleep, and wake up together about 9 PM. Which is..now. Looks like she overslept. Cute "<3" |
|
|
| I've came a long way.. |
[May. 13th, 2005|03:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Koda Kumi - Shake it | ] |
Indeed, I have. I compared myself with my past self..and I can clearly tell that I have changed. Lets make a small list of changes.
( Comparison )
Thats about it. Now, to explain my day.
Brittni the incredible unedible whore decides to pick up interest in the trial of the murderers who killed Billie Jo. Last year, she didn't care about what happened, and she told her boyfriend that he would NOT go. What a bitch, huh? Well, now she's like, "I'm gonna cut out the articles." Cut yourself instead, bitch. I really don't like her.
Today at the center for technology (Where my criminal justice class is) Today was our "Social" (Pizza, drinks, and other foods followed by awards) took place. The social in my terms was grab the food you want, sit down, eat, and don't talk to anyone. And thats just what I did. I don't care about many people in that class. And thats why I'll stay to myself. Awards took place, and I was hoping I would get the "Outstanding Student" award. I didn't, some other girl got it. What a flaming homosexual situation. I got the "Most Progress" award, which in my opinion, is second place, which is first loser. I guess I should be a bit more happier, taking it that there were only two awards given out.
I came home, took a shower, and that about wraps it up. By the way, Nephiritina, if you read this..I'm glad you're back. Its been a while since we've seen each other. Don't worry, I'll make sure to have some time for you, if I see you.
Ciao, people. |
|
|
| No title, homo. |
[May. 12th, 2005|03:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Final Fantasy X - People of the North | ] |
Today has been..well, rather blunt. Not much of anything has happened, except for watching a documentary on a prisoner named Vincent Simmons. It seems that his trial was wrong, and the two women who accused him of his crime are whores, but thats just my opinion. Fast forwarding to riding home, Beverly (Some girl that rides with us) looks at me and says, "You need to quit being mean." I shook my head, "I'm not mean, just honest." Brittni, like the little whore she is, raises her hand, "I second that." You like sloppy second penises, whore. She complains about everything. She said she would quit her job if they didn't give her Saturday off for her son's birthday. (Told you she's a whore.)
Yeah, she's been comforted by her richy rich parents all her life, and she's cusses worse than a sailor. Whores come and go, but this one never learns to shut the fuck up. My opinion, and many others, of course. Well, I'm home alone right now, so I guess I'm going to relax and such before someone comes home. |
|
|
| Long day |
[May. 11th, 2005|03:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | M-Flo - Deep Within | ] |
Oh..well. Since today is today..I should rewind to yesterday. To the bat cave.
Yesterday:
It was pretty much a bad day. 1st and 2nd period went by, but when I went to the vocational school,and everything was okay. I go to break, and the class that was leaving stands up, and this one guy looks at me, "Hey! What are you lookin' at?!" Of course, being me.. "What am I supposed to be looking at?" Of course, the guy loses his cool, his friends dragging him to class, "Keep on running your mouth, and I'll kick your ass!" As I seen him start to walk or being dragged away, I said, "Yeah, yeah. Don't let your boots drag on the ground." Haaahahaa. I know why that guy said that. For those of you who remember. Remember that guy who messed me up in Mock Trial? Yeah. He talked to those people, and they think they can whoop me. Let them try.
If people have read N4CAG's LJ, you would have already known that my Aunt died last Sunday. I went to her funeral..and she was where Billie Jo's funeral was held. It was like going into a nightmare. When I looked around, I didn't see reality..I seen what I saw when Billie Jo died. I seen her closed casket..the picture video showing her when she was a little girl..and when she was getting older. Everything around me just triggered something. I never said anything when I got in, and I had to stay for about an hour. I stayed mostly outside. Even the weather was the same when she died.
I got home, and changed clothing. I was talking in my usual channel, and Sosi asked me an odd question. This is how it went down in my own words.
(Sosi) Knight, when's your birthday?
(Knight) September 21st. (In my mind: ..Why is she asking that for? Putting it in her LJ or something?)
(Sosi) Well then, happy early birthday
And then..she shows a link. She bought me what I've been wanting for a long time. She buys me a FFVIII Griever necklace, bracelet, ring, and keychain. I don't know if the long day affected me or not, but all of a sudden, I burst into tears. This lasted for a good five minutes, until I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. It was so wonderful. I never expected anyone to do such a nice thing for me.
Today:
I went to WSCC (Walters State Community College) where several speakers talked about certian things, and such. Even a band played. It was a nice day. If no one knows..I mine as well inform them. Brittni, the girl that has been taking me home, has been a stupid bitch lately. Myself and others keep trying to warn her, but she won't listen. Well, fine. Don't bitch to me when you get what you deserved, you fucking whore.
Usagi is going through a rough time right now, and I'm going to go spend time with her. I know things happen and such, but Usagi is one person that I cannot leave for a long period of time. I know my attitude states otherwise, but Usagi has a special place in my heart, and I will not turn my back on her. She is a very special friend to me.
Thats all for today. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
illuminasa's journal